Content and on my way!

It seems it has been months since my last post. Oh, I guess it really has been. Without making too many excuses let me just say that life has kept me fairly busy over the last few months. I've moved, finished the first draft of a novel, been trying to complete my Master's level internship, and have started research for my final Master's paper - of course with a bit of fun sprinkled as well. I've thought of you often, reader, but haven't been able to find the energy or perhaps inspiration to sit down with you.

Alas, here I am! I'm sitting in the office of my new apartment watching the early morning walkers make their way down Grand Avenue on this chilly, almost October feeling day, while the scent of coffee wafts from my college alumni cup resting on the blond wood of the desk. Truly peaceful.

I'm in a good place these days. There was a time, not many months ago really, that I would often find myself feeling restless. Restless about the future or perhaps even the past. Had I made the right decisions? Had I chosen to follow the right paths?

I've always sort of thought that there was some definite plan that was laid out for me, I just hadn't necessarily found it. I've had the notion, a gut-level feeling, that there was something in store for me that I was supposed to do that would rely heavily on any talents that I might have - realized or otherwise.

Thinking about what this thing was often kept me up at night. Wrestling with my thoughts and concerns about not fulfilling my role in the world was a bit unnerving at times. What if I would never do what I was intended to do? What if I have been so unaware of who I really am, of what my talents truly are that I have totally missed the boat - never to reach it? Am I now destined for a life of unfulfilled minutes watching the world clock tick away as I punch out for the day, only to look forward to another day of mindless tasks?

Countless questions and what ifs consumed my thinking: What if I was supposed to go to law school? Medical school? Maybe I should have moved to New York or DC? Why did it take me so long to find my love of politics?

Well, I honestly can't explain it, but these thoughts have been arrested. I might even take it further to say they have been silenced. Knowing myself as I do, I'm hesitant to say forever, but at least for the time being. I seem to see the world and my role in it with a clarity that, a few months ago, I wouldn't have thought possible. I can't explain how it happened. But I'm not worried. I'm not even sure that there is a pre-arranged "plan" for me anymore. I do believe that I am going to do something (I purposefully write that in vague terms), I 'm just less concerned with knowing that that something is.

This all came into conscious awareness a couple weeks ago. A friend recently asked my how my internship was going. I said it was going well. She followed up by asking if it had helped to confirm my decision to make a career change, if it was what I was supposed to be doing. I was overcome with a rush of clarity. It was as if pounds of restricting chains melted off of me and I could breath for the first time as if coming up from drowning.

I realized in that moment, standing in the doorway of my new apartment as we were departing for Davanni's, that I didn't care. It didn't matter. Maybe it was what I was supposed to be doing and maybe it wasn't. But I like what I'm doing and perhaps I won't be doing it forever, and then maybe I will be. I found peace in realizing that I don't have to know what I'm going to be doing five years from now. I'll do what I'm going to be doing - whatever that may be - that's what I'm supposed to be doing.

I have gained a great deal of insight about myself over the past year. Whether it's from graduate school or simply getting older - I don't know - and I don't need to know. All I know is that I do have talents, as all people do, and somehow they are always summoned to be of use in some capacity or another. Opportunities come and go and I pick and choose. The limits of what I am able to do and what I will do are defined only by my ability let myself do.

As cliche as it may sound, I really just need to live for the day and take on the challenges and opportunities that present themselves each minute. If I am open and willing, there is always something new on the horizon waiting for me to take it on.